The helper
Warm, present and helpful. It’s important for the helper that their child’s needs are seen and followed.
This means that you most likely feel with your child and find it painful when they feel hurt Your child will therefore seek you out and find support when things are difficult.
What might be difficult for the helper is to set clear boundaries and set requirements when needed. “The helper” will probably find it too painful to see their child struggling and would therefore rather help their child too much than too little. This might make you do things for your child that they could actually manage themselves.
If you as a parent find that you often give in, it may be wise to reflect and become more aware of it. Examples of this is when your child wants ice cream / sweets in a shop when you have told them no, or doesn’t want to listen when you have told them to do something, and you change your mind because it becomes too difficult for you to stand by what you said.
Things to keep in mind
Are there typical situations where you give in? (For example when you are tired and hungry at the shops after work.)
If you think of some typical situations where you give in or help your child with things they can manage themselves, is there anything you could do differently? For example:
- Make sure that you’ve eaten before you collect your child from kindergarten/school.
- Wait a few extra seconds before you intervene and help, even if it’s unpleasant (of course, this doesn't apply if you’re in a situation that might be dangerous).
- Decide on something you'll try not to do for your child (e.g. put their boots or clothes on or interfere when your child doesn’t get a toy). When your child is stuck, guide and help them just the right amount so that they can do it themselves.
Want to learn more?
There are several programmes for parents where you don't need to be experiencing major challenges to be able to participate. In programmes such as COS-P and ICDP, you will get to know yourself as a parent and meet other parents you can reflect together with. This is offered at a number of family welfare offices and health centres.
And remember: Your child won’t be harmed by you being slightly overprotective or helping more than might be necessary. And it is completely normal and right sometimes to say yes to something, even if you said no at first. People sometimes say no a bit too quickly.
Nevertheless, it can be good to think about the following : What do you want your child to learn and take with them into adult life? Because children learn from the way we as parents handle situations and take this with them further in life.